“I think about them every day. And I wonder if they think about me at all”.
I was in college. I went to a party probably had a few too many drinks. I was gang raped by a group of guys at this party. I went back to my college and I pretended it never happened and until I had a daughter. I didn't have any memories of it really until that point. I had some flashes of stuff that I would immediately push away. I did have a daughter and I started having these panic attacks.
I see that it is kind of informed the way I interact with people. The way I interact with my environment, things that I thought were kind of quirky idiosyncrasies. I know now there are things I do to kind of feel safer. And it's really limited the life that I've led. I do shy away from groups and I have a hard time getting to know people and being out in the open. I am an anxious person as well. Now that I'm having a lot more memories of what happened I have insomnia. I have a lot more anger now. Mostly because I've had this lifetime of affects, whether or not I remembered why. And now I remember a lot more and I keep thinking of it. It's super unfair. I wonder a lot of the time cause I think about them every day, every day.
And I wonder if they think about me at all.
I can see the person that I want to be. Not just for myself but for my daughter and my husband. I want to be able to be a whole person for them and for myself. And I feel like if I'm able to not necessarily let this go, but learn to carry it a little bit better I can see the life that I can have if I do that.
And it makes me angry and it makes me sad that I do think about them every day. There isn't a day or a moment, some days it's every hour. I would like to know if they ever think about me and especially with what's going on now. If they're seeing women come forward, if they think she gonna come get me. I'm not looking for an apology from them. Maybe I am, I just want to know that they haven't done that to anybody else. What if by not saying anything somebody else is being hurt because of me.
You know, when I first saw it this project, I thought, you know, catharsis - that would be great to get it out. But at the same time I think about the person that I was at that point and, and when I was first starting to remember things. I remember that it was a lot of pain and it was a lot of shame and I didn't know at that point what to do with myself or where to go with it. It would have been nice to have somebody help me with that and not feel so alone in it. So I'm hoping that by doing this, somebody can connect to my story and not feel like what happened to them is this horrible secret that they have to keep. Just that it’s not your fault. You are a whole and beautiful person despite what was done to you.